I love things that work. And as for things that don’t, well let’s just say I’m less than enamored of them. To accentuate the positive, I’ll begin with some of the things in my life that have proved successful. At the top of the list are surgeries, whether medical or dental. My very first one took place when I was a little kid, near the end of World War Two. Like a lot of my peer group back then, I suffered from frequent swollen glands and attacks of tonsillitis. It wasn’t until I had my tonsils and adenoids out that that pain in the neck in all its varieties went and stayed away. My next operations were not until many decades later, the first two of which took place at a Kaiser Medical Center in downtown Honolulu...
The technical name for these procedures is “interocular lens replacements.” In other words, I had my cataract-covered lenses removed and replaced with, in effect, brownie lenses. They didn’t yet have the self-focusing diamond ones that are common today. The result was, I could see everything clearly if it was at least six or eight feet away. For close work, however, I needed readers. More recently, as an elder, I have had three operations in fairly close succession: in order, a left total-knee replacement, double hernia surgery, and a carpal-tunnel-release procedure. In addition, a year and a half ago I had three molars extracted, all on the same day. Not only were all these operations painless, but I was blessed to heal from them all quickly. The best thing was that every one of these operations worked: they completely solved the painful problems they were supposed to. Other less grandiose solutions work as well. Here I think of Excedrin for headaches, Ibuprofen for pain, and the eye drops I use for my dry, itchy eyes.
Not all over-the-counter (OTC) drugs are equally effective, however. The various nose drops I have tried are all worthless. In lieu of them, I have found that a wee dab of Vick’s VapoRub does a much better if not a 100% successful job. My newest ineffective nostrum is that mouthful-to-pronounce but rather tasty-to-chew item generically referred to as “simethicone.” It’s recommended for what is politely referred to as “flatulence.” Even when I take the maximum recommended dosage, there is no appreciable difference from my prior condition. Yuck! To take another less medical example of non-functionitis, we recently went through three new can openers, none of which worked, or if one did, it required the strength of Hercules to get it started or to do the full 360-degree cutting job required. Fortunately, Cedar, my wife, is not shy about returning recently purchased items that disappoint and getting her money back. Finally, on the fourth try, we came up with one like our old opener that unaccountably disappeared from our kitchen. And praise the Lord, it worked perfectly! So my prayer for all of your readers is that you may be blessed with procedures, medications, household equipment, and other items that work as advertised and be kept well away from those that don’t, to which let us all say “Amen!”